I am no stranger to break ups, I have had several relationships in my life and they have all ended, whether it was amicable or not, they ended. Now, before you reach for your phone to call me and get the tea on why my relationship is ending let me stop you, I am breaking up with a family member. Did you know such a thing was possible? I have written posts before about toxic relationships and how they affect your life. However, I didn’t realize just how difficult it would be to TRULY and FINALLY cut this tie. I didn’t understand that releasing myself and this person was the equivalent of a bad break up. Funny how you get clarity when you are forced to sit still.
I find myself doing the things you do when you break up with someone, forcing thoughts of them from your mind when it wanders, wondering how you could love someone so unconditionally and they could do you so wrong, and questioning your own reasoning for allowing it to go on for so long. It is easy to be the victim and to place all of the blame at their door but neither healing nor freedom comes via the blame game. So I find myself looking at myself and asking myself some real questions. Whether I want to admit it or not, the relationship served a purpose, it gave me something. I wasn’t willingly tied to this person and gaining nothing, even if it was a sense of family and belonging, I got something. Having witnessed this person tendency and enjoyment in hurting others before, I foolishly hoped that I would be spared. Why was I so careless with my heart but fought so vehemently to protect theirs? How could I not protect myself with the same ferocity that I protected them? You see these are the questions that will set me free,within the answers to these questions lies my healing.
As of now, the only true answer that resonates with me is fear. I was afraid to be different. I was afraid of being rejected. I was afraid of being the voice of wisdom. I was afraid of missing out on what I perceived to be good times. I was afraid of not belonging. Because of this fear, I allowed myself to be enraptured into a web of toxicity that was literally suffocating me. Simply being around this person caused me anxiety, there was so much uncertainty and even when you gave your all, it was just not good enough. If that isn’t Stockholm Syndrome, I don’t know what is. So now here I am, hurt but healing, free from them but missing them, and ready to let go but struggling to understand how to do it permanently.
I think what hurts me the most is those who are now casualties, victims of a battle that they were drafted into. They weren’t offered the option to join in the fight, they were pulled in as a pawn and weapon. The innocent one whose relationships that were once nurturing and loving but are now ammo used to shoot bullets of division and deceit; my heart weeps for them. However, just as I know that I will be ok, I have faith enough to know that they will fare well, also. I am getting free and staying free. As with any break-up there is a process and I am going through the process and trusting it wholeheartedly. I am looking forward to the days when like break-ups of days gone by, this will just be a footnote in my story. I am looking forward to seeing this person and feeling nothing but freedom and empathy. I am looking forward to loving myself enough to protect myself from anyone who represents even the most minute harm, even family. Yes, the break up will be beautiful but first it will hurt like hell. Onward♥