I have always relied upon a planner or calendar to keep the chaos that is my life organized. Having things written down is the only way to ensure that I arrive at appointments on time, meet deadlines, and arrange my day to day activities in the most efficient way. Because I am a very detail fixated person, having a plan keeps my anxiety at bay. I enjoy having a space to keep important information, being able to jot down happenings as they arise, accessing it all in a pinch when needed. Knowing that there is some structure to my day gives me a sense of calm and control that my anxious mind needs to be successful. If I am, to be honest, flipping through my planner to look at my calendar before scheduling something makes me feel like I am a real mover and shaker who is out here making things happen; yup, I was one of those people but then my sister died.
When my sister passed away, my planner became filled with the notes and details that I needed to conclude her life. Suddenly, I was attached to my planner because my world had been destroyed and I didn’t have a firm mental grasp on reality. Grief consumed my every thought but in the midst of it, I had to arrangements to make, calls to answer, and people to manage. When all was said and done, the people were gone, the memorial completed, and her affairs attended to, I was left with a planner that contained memories of some of the worst days of my life. I would sit on the floor and flip through my planner looking at notes about what the paramedics said, specifics from my conversations with the funeral director, and phone numbers of her friends; I was searching for answers that would make my pain stop and slipping into a emotional break simultaneously. As a part of my recovery, I threw my planner away, hung a big whiteboard on my wall to stay organized, and I vowed to never touch a planner again, that was 3 years ago.
I remember when the planner wave hit Youtube and everyone was going nuts about planning and planners. I couldn’t understand what the hype was about and because I had attached planners to my sister’s passing, I wanted no parts in any planner nor planner related trend, until! About 2 months ago, I was on Youtube surfing as I do and somehow I stumbled into a planner video, instead of immediately clicking out, I found myself watching. As I watched, I was intrigued by this new thing known as Decorative Planning and I began to remember how I use to enjoy being a planner. After a few hours of watching an abundance of planner videos, I began to toy with the idea of purchasing a planner for the first time in 3 years, how could this be?
As I searched websites deciding if I wanted to repurchase an Erin Condren planner or explore the world of The Happy Planner, I realized that another layer of healing had taken place. I no longer feared to touch a planner, images of my sister’s body didn’t flood my mind, and my search for a planner was enjoyable. After a few days of virtual investigation, I jumped on The Happy Planner bandwagon and I am loving the ride. In future posts about being a Planner Babe, I will share the style of planning that I use and how I’m evolving as a decorative and functional planner user. Isn’t it funny how rediscovering a pleasure can bloom into a hobby that’s as therapeutic as it is healing? It’s safe to say that I’m finding my footing and learning to happily live life after loss.